I haven’t lived a day in my life until I went to a party and took some Molly.
I let my entire life pass by me thinking I’d be dead by the time I graduated high school, then still believed this by the end of college… I was and still am healthy physically; but mentally, emotionally I was in a constant battle between my head and my heart. All I ever wanted was to be happy and make others happy, but my happiness seemed annoying and a nuisance to everybody so I let myself get trampled and locked away the girl in me who wanted anything besides making sure other people felt loved. I never realized that I just stopped caring about my happiness… I stopped making goals, I stopped expecting anything great to happen to me….I stopped loving myself…
I’m still here though and since the pandemic hit, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I want, who I want in my life, and what I should do with what’s left in my life.
Simply put…
- Molly is one helluva drug. It forced me, for the first time in 15 years, to be completely honest with myself and others.
- I realized I want to make sure I have certain people in my life and I want to be in theirs.
- I realized that I was nervous about being myself and doing what I want to do because I didn’t want others to judge me and shun me or leave me because of what I liked or how I presented myself..
When I realized that I was completely shutting myself in and forcing myself to live a perfect version of myself in everybody else’s eyes and opinions… I freaked the fuck out.
A few things:
- I’m making this blog because typing things out always came to me a bit easier than writing it out. Plus. If anything I write about brings clarity or help or even makes anybody feel less alone then I’d be very happy I could help anybody with all this awakening, realizations, and remembering I’m experiencing…
- I will be writing about everything that I experience and have experienced. This will help me process things I think in a better way.
- I just hope that I can help whoever needs it if they take the time to even read all this…
- And finally I just hope that if this continues for even a few months or even a year, that I can look back on all this and see and feel progress.
Thank you for joining me on my journey to rediscovering me.
