Is it a mask?

So I have been making more of an effort to be “present” to be more involved in others’ lives. Because like I said in my introduction post, I WANT to be here and I want certain people to be in my life in a more profound way.

But on occasion what I’m experiencing feels like I’m not really being myself… STILL! I feel like my laugh and my smiles are forced, I feel like I’m going through the motions of being a good friend and being a good person. I feel disassociated from myself when I’m going through those motions.

One day I was scrolling through TikTok and I came across a user who was talking about DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, and some of it…actually made sense to me… I get dizzy, I get headaches and I dissociate hardcore sometimes and it feels like I’m not even in my own body.. It’s a very strange feeling. I really wish I could afford a therapist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Any of them honestly… To really figure out what’s going on inside my head.

On the other hand, there are moments where I have stopped filtering myself. If I want to sing, I sing. If I want to say something I just say it, nothing mean or anything. I just say the things that are running through my mind that I usually keep to myself because I know, or I expect, people would find that stuff weird or awkward.

I came across a separate video explaining autism in female brains and how the symptoms are vastly different compared to the male brain. I exhibit a LOT of the symptoms and that’s something that I’m also trying to digest.

Some autistic symptoms that I exhibit:

  • Observing others to figure out how I should act. [This is called Masking]
  • Masking so well that it’s hard to even tell I have autism.
  • I am overly social and give WAY too much information.
  • I’m currently trying to figure out who I even am and what I like to do.

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that some people do in fact love me and they have no intentions on leaving me no matter how weird I am. So there’s that…

I hope I stop having these imposter syndrome feelings… and dissociative episodes. That’d be great. But I do intend to learn more about autism in females and learn more about DID.

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