Hmm… I had no idea that I was hurting people when I brought up things that have happened to me. When I bring up my past, I don’t know…I thought it was a way for me to show that I’ve gone through some shit and to prove that I got through them and I’m still here. But it seems to just hurt them and make them feel like I’m intentionally trying to make them feel bad because they weren’t there for me?
I have also realized that I just kind of go through memories like they’ve been stored in a box and I’m just taking them out to show people like a photo album or something… and when it’s something that’s currently happening or just had happened and I’m just telling someone, I just relay information as they happen(ed) cause that’s just how my brain works, I just assume everybody wants to be aware and know all the details that they can get? Maybe that’s my autism at work, I’m not sure.
I never blamed anyone for not being there for me. I felt very alone as a child, and I definitely missed my older sibling when they went off to college and our relationship deteriorated from that point [It’s better now and growing well]. I just felt abandoned by everyone when I was a kid, I didn’t blame anyone but myself though. I thought something was wrong with me that everyone didn’t want to be in my life or wanted me in their life. It’s made me live a life of constantly changing who I am and how I act so that people don’t leave me… And that’s why I’m trying to figure out who I am now.
Anyway… Thank you for riding the struggle bus with me today.